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Lost

I feel lost anymore. Like I’ve been buried alive and I’m so desperate for a breath of air but I cant quite get one.

I hear my heart pounding away. I know I’m still alive.

I reach my hand up out of the dirt occasionally to a passerby, but I can’t connect. I need to connect.

I dig all day, trying to escape this pit, but I make little progress. I’m tired.

Its lonely here. The dark can be so paralyzing.

I’m unsure when I first started feeling this way. I think it was sometime after my 3rd child was born and I left work…but maybe it was long before that even.

I have talked to people about it. Family, Friends, Professionals. Been told that how I feel is normal. Been offered help, then bailed on.

My own mother doesn’t even call anymore. No arguments, explanation or reasoning…she just doesn’t call (or answer my calls) In my mind I say “She’s Abandoned Me”. Different articles I’ve read about this suggest that its not abandonment of you’re an adult. So, now I don’t know what the word is for it. She is my mother, I thought we had a somewhat close and good relationship, and then suddenly we don’t.

I dunno the point I’m getting at. I do know that I’ve let this blog get away from what I intended. I’ve been trying to do what everyone says should be done and “monetize” and build a business…but that’s not what I want. I just want a place for my thoughts and ideas. Maybe a space to connect with others. I might occasionally post some things for sale…but it’s not my focus.

Crochet has become like mediation to me. Its relaxing and mind clearing. I don’t get tons of time to do it with toddlers and teens and a husband and all that comes with them. I mostly craft for gifting, but sometimes I see something I just need to make and then it’s just sitting here.

So anyway, thank you for reading. If you are also in a dark dark pit. Keep digging!

PS. I’ve recently found a therapist that listens. I think she’ll help me move the dirt.

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